Monday, October 18, 2010

It's Time for My Biennial* Mammogram

First to prepare:

Mammogram Jokes- The Joys & Thrill Of Mammograms

This is an x-ray that has it's own name because no one wants to actually say the word "breast". Mammograms require your breast to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts, however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular, so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises!

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the
door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement
floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.

You are now properly prepared.


For years 'n years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts;
Don't squeeze or bruise them,
and give them monthly tests."

So I heeded all their warnings,
and protected them by law...
Guarded them very carefully,
and always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,
the Doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a Mammogram,
to look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close," he said,
as he got my tit in line.
"And tell me when it hurts," he said.
"Ah, yes, that's just fine."

He stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes
A plastic plate was pressing down!
My boob was in a vice!

My skin was stretched 'n stretched
from way up by my chin.
And my poor tit was being squashed to
Swedish pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt,
within its vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
my poor, defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath," he said to me.
Who does he think he's kidding?
My chest is smashed in his machine;
I can't breathe and woozy I'm getting.

"There, that was good," I heard him
say as the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's get the other one."
"Lord have mercy!" I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down,
it squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet he's never had this done,
to his tender little hide.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now...
If there had been a cyst in there,
it would have popped--- Ker Pow!!!

This machine was made by man,
of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there;
for months he'd go without.

And here's something more serious to think about. If you're afraid of the pain described/exaggerated in these little "jokes," please watch this movie:

I have quite a few friends alive today who'd probably be dead if it weren't for the fact that they get their breasts regularly checked and x-rayed by those male-invented mammography machines.

Ladies, what do you do which is more painful than a mammogram?  I get my teeth cleaned.  It's wonderful for the stomach muscles.  Really, I'm serious.  When in pain from the poking and prodding, I contract my stomach systematically, great for the abdomen.  I must learn those "Paula" techniques for the sphincter muscles to use at the dentist.

*The saintly surgeon who travels to Shiloh and neighboring communities to examine us every year considers a mammogram every two years sufficient for low risk women. G-d willing posting this will prove a good reminder for me to make the appointment. 


Leora said...

"This machine was made by man,
of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there;
for months he'd go without."
Um, yeah.

Colonoscopies are no fun either. They also save lives. Feh.

Batya said...

True, are there any jokes about them? Always best to laugh. Laughing is healthy.