Paying a Shiva (Condolence) Call

This morning some friends and I paid a shiva call. We hadn't actually planned on it, and it's not the first time we were spontaneous in that way. There are only four of us in my Thursday walking group. It's one of those "mobile chats," or negative calorie "coffee clatches," social gatherings, only we don't stay still.

This morning we found ourselves not far from a house in mourning, and we decided to go in for a few minutes, even though we really didn't know the people.

In Judaism, it's a mitzvah, a commandment, to comfort the mourner. There are specific norms, rules in how one behaves in the home of a mourner.

Mourning by Jewish Law is for parents, siblings, spouse and children.

First of all, it's not a social occasion, and the mourner, as "host," is not required to provide food for the visitor. The mourner is not to get up and prepare or bring anything for the visitor. Friends or "non-mourning" relatives are usually "on duty" to help. Here in Shiloh, people take turns helping out in a house of mourning, especially when the entire family is required to mourn. In those cases, neighbors organize a duty rota to cover help, food and shopping, when necessary, and if there are young children in the mourning household, laundry will be done for them by neighbors.

Ashkenazim, European Jews, traditionally don't serve anything, though it's common to have something to drink if the person has come a distance. Sfaradim, North African Jews, have the opposite custom. It is important to hear brachot, blessings, so they provide food for the visitors, and some have nightly feasts.

Conversation is to be initiated by the mourner, so if the mourner doesn't feel like talking or is busy talking to others, it's possible to find oneself leaving without having said a word. As one leaves one says to the mourners:
May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.
Ha-Makom y'nachem et'chem b'toch sha'ar aveilei Tzion v'Yerushalayim

Sometimes it can be awkward. I once knew the child of someone who had died. He seemed very uncomfortable that I was visiting, so I went into another room where the spouse of the dead person was sitting. That person didn't know me at all, and I didn't know the dead person, nor anyone else in the room. So I listened an nodded politely and was glad to leave.

Another time, when terrorists has murdered a number of people, including some I had known, and the families were all sitting shiva at the same time in different places. One of the days I helped in one house and then took a ride to another. When I was there I found a ride that would be passing the Shiloh Junction in order to go home. But actually they were going to visit the family of another victim of the same attack. I didn't know those people, and those in the car didn't know them either, but they considered it important to visit. I went along, and it was important, and we had a very special conversation with the mourners. And I was glad I went, even though I hadn't planned on it, and I had been so sure that it would be a mistake.

I consider the Jewish Laws of Mourning to be the best way to cope with death. There is a gradual return, taking up to a year, to "ordinary living." There are special laws for prior to the funeral, the first seven days, month and year.

Mourners aren't to deal with material things; at the funeral, the mourner's clothing is ripped, and the mourner must wear that ripped shirt (which can be pinned for modesty's sake) for the entire shiva week, except for Shabbat. After the death of a parent, wearing new clothes is forbidden for an entire year.

"HaMakom yinachem..." "May G-d comfort..."